I can’t remember when I stopped. I remember the exact moment that I twigged that Santa didn’t exist. I remember where I was when I heard John Lennon died. I have vague memories of the kinds of New Year’s resolutions that I was meant to want (get fit, write a book, have more fun yet somehow be deeper/kinder/nicer) but no idea when I gave up the charade of making them.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t dream.
Summer 2010 found me doing Mondo Beyondo and later in the year Dream Lab. I made wishes and cast them to the universe. The first left me feeling a little disappointed. The wonderful organisers forgot to post the last message to the group and I felt left up in the air for days. I needed closure but perhaps that was the message – making things happen is up to me. Not “The Universe”. Some days are about doing, others are about dreaming. Most of all what I have been aware of in 2010 is just “being”.
Being, for me, is simplicity personified. It’s about inhabiting the moment, acknowledging joys and disappointments. It’s also about expecting less, sitting rather than striving. It was quite a relief really.
Dream Lab was about finding fun. For some reason I found frustration. I didn’t find Silly String silly. I didn’t want to run up and ring someone’s doorbell, leave an offering and run away giggling. I was too busy being stuck in a world where my mother’s dementia was worsening, my partner was moving somewhere else, my business required adult decisions and all that kind of stuff.
It didn’t feel fun.
I’d love to resolve that 2011 will be where I find silliness. I’d gasp with joy if 2011 was the year when I discovered the love of exercise. I’d be overwhelmed with happiness if this was the year I became disciplined about writing non-fiction and actually delivered a book proposal.
Instead, all I ask of myself is to be in the moment more. Make time to sit. Strive less. Keep it simple.