Thursday, August 31, 2006

Jack's list

Osama Bin Laden is banned from being contacted by Jack Thomas* according to a list drawn up by the Powers That Be. Who else should be on the list?

The tooth fairy – known for break and entering, likely homosexual, obvious deviant, hangs out with children while they are sleeping. Certainly that makes him a terrorist.

Santa Claus – the red suit is an obvious sign that the man in a communist. In this political climate all pinkos must be suspected of terrorism

John Howard – Jack is obviously a very bad, subversive man and we don’t want him tainting our pure PM.

Dead people** – they know what it’s like to be dead so have no fear of killing people.

David Hicks - he’s got lots of time on his hands hanging out at Guantanamo Bay, so he’d be happy to have a chat and share some recipes for explosives. We don’t want our scapegoats swapping stories, do we.

* Jack Thomas is the first Australian to be subjected to the new draconian anti-terrorist control orders. Despite having charges over ruled last week, the man is not free – despite there being no evidence to doubt his innocence. The hearing regarding his control order will resume on September 11 – now isn’t that an interesting coincidence.

** I'd like to say that I made that one up but the Government has named up to a dozen dead (or next to dead) people in the order against Thomas.

Monday, August 28, 2006

rest your eyes on a pretty picture

Melbourne in Spring - well almost.

Monday, August 21, 2006

so who is going to start the Spacejump now?

I have my “Spare Rib” diary for 1987. No longer was I a young chick living in London, but now I was a kiwi girl again fresh off the boat in Melbourne. Amidst the birthdays, temp jobs (all achingly boring paying a grand sum of between $9-10 per hour), session times that I am doing my bit as a phone councillor – are these bites of Melbourne culture:

Theatre: “As You Like It”, “The Cherry Orchard”, “Stop in the Name of Love”, “Laminex on the Rocks”, Playback Theatre

Comedy: Theatresports, Found Objects, The Front Lawn, the new comedy venue – The Prince Pat*

Meals: Tiamo, Rhumbarellas, Rosatis, Alaysia, Pelligrinis, Patee Thai, Shakahari

Movies: “Sylivia”, “Buckets of Blood”, “Crimes of the Heart”, “She’s Gotta Have It”, “Travelling North”, “Down By Law”, “Rita, Sue and Bob Too”

Bands: Eurythmics, The Bachelors from Prague (playing at Inflation of all places), The Jackie Wong All Star Love Band (at “the pub next to Charmaine’s” before it officially had the name The Punters Club on it’s shingle), Suzanne Vega, Elvis Costello

Workshops: Shiatsu, Body Awareness, Clowning

Shopping lists: extension cord, tamari, fetta, peanut butter, coffee

Picnics, lots of dinners, lunches and drinks

A haircut in a city salon costs $26, a float in the floatation tank at the health spa at the Hyatt costs $15 – I mean anyone who was anyone was going for a float!

* founded by this gorgeous man who drank too much at the opening of the fringe festival and came off second best to a truck – which leads me to a death notice: “McCarthy – Brian. Who’s going to start the spacejump now? You’ll always be our champion. Koy, Ann and Sqatsi”

So what were you doing in 1987?

Saturday, August 19, 2006

bad cat 2

Further evidence for the prosecution. So you think she's a cute and clever little thing do you?

How about the view from the outside?

Well what about this?

Who would breed an animal so dumb that it doesn't have a self cleaning bottom? These fossilised little scat delights are turning up everywhere the bad cat likes to perch.

Cast your vote

Bad cat or clever cat?

Thursday, August 17, 2006

you decide

Clever feline who has created a link between the hidden world of the window sill (affording a panoramic view of kitty alley and the best sun trap in the house) and can keep an eye on what is going on in the boudoir?

Or Bad Cat?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

stand and deliver

If you send your child to school, especially a private school of good repute with sizable fees, would you expect them to be able to teach the pupil to read? A parent has sued Brighton Grammar under the Trade Practices
Act for failing to teach her son to read
, despite their assurances that they could deliver this service.

This opens up a whole range of possible law suits:

The police force that fails to "serve and protect"

The doctor who, if nothing else does harm.

The sex worker who is unable to help you have a good time.

The spouse who fails to "love, honour and obey".

Fortunately the Australian Federal Government has never adopted a motto, but even without one I'm not sure how we can justify invading other countries for no good reason, leaving one of own citizens incarcerated in a foreign jail for 4.5 years without being charged or allowing our indigenous people to live in such bad physical and spiritual health.

Any other prosecutions under the Trade Practices Act that you'd like to file?

Friday, August 11, 2006

don't be a silly old chook

Radiothon time again.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

census night

Q. 19 Religion

a. pagan
b. buddhist
c. shopping at Vic Market every week
d. all of the above


and you ?

Friday, August 04, 2006

dreams, nightmares and reality

I was in the garden looking over the fence at the neighbours, in some grey early morning light. They’d been partying all night, even in this winter weather – sitting in the backyard playing dance music and chatting loudly. Lots of laughter. We like happy people. But not at 3am. So I give up and go to work early and look for somewhere to have breakfast. I am walking down little Collins St but all the cafes are only open for coffee and chatting, not food. It’s time to start work and I still haven’t eaten. I’ve been up for hours.

Oh good. It was only a dream. I don’t have a grassed, sloping back yard. I live in a little terrace house with a courtyard. And my neighbours (I have 7 little courtyards that face the side of my house) wouldn’t be having an all night party on a Thursday night.

It is 3 o’clock. There is the thump, thump, thump of music. Happy amphetamine fuelled laughter and I am wide awake.

I think “calm blue ocean”. Pretend to not be awake. Tell myself not think of the time I had a birthday with a “0” at the end and partied to a similar time on a Tuesday night – probably when these guys were still in primary school.

I turn on the ABC, over night it has the plummy tones of the BBC – I plug the radio into my ear to drone out the background noise. Soon I am no longer aware of the music.

I’m at work. My colleague tells me we have to amalgamate offices, due to the shelling. I wonder how we do our jobs with all our clients in the same room. We are in Beruit and I remember in a previous war the building had been bombed. I wonder how the clients will feel coming back to a place that they may have been injured or their relatives killed? But then, Israel has declared it will bomb this city to smithereens, so what are we still doing here? We can’t get out. There is nowhere to go.

7am, the garbos are banging the bins and making too much noise.

No one’s laughing now.

Time to go to work.

Thorpie watch

I have been remiss. Let the public down in my role of a funnel for all things Thorpie. I missed the broken hand in May (one of those bathhouse bathroom accidents). Now he’s holed up next to Heath Brokeback Mountain Ledger in L.A. drinking fizzy beverages, growing a bit of facial hair and generally letting it all go. Though not officially in retirement, maybe he’s in Tinsel Town getting a few acting tips?

But why would he need to, the little love has been acting most his life, hasn’t he?

Thorpie, sure we loved you when you were tanned and buff – winning lots of gold for Australia. But we’ll love you whatever you come up, or out, with in future.

Just drop the (insert name brand) cola drink – it’s crap and will rot your pretty white teeth.

images and story info shamelessly plundered from The Age

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

appealing to the limp wristed with calloused hands

Barnaby put-your-foot-in-it Joyce quote of the week:

(Regarding, gay farmer David of BB06 fame ever becoming a National Party MP)
"There are only 120,000 farmers in Australia so gay farmers are a very small part of a very small part – it's like appealing to everyone with a slight limp."

Or was that lisp?
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