Monday, August 08, 2005

i hate supermarkets

I will start this by saying “sorry” to the delightful checkout chickette at my nearest supermarket. I will try to learn from my own apology (turn on # 9) and avoid going shopping when I am premenstrual in future.

No this was not some archetypal mad woman raging because they have run out of tim tams (they have never done it for me). It was shopping trolley tantrums. Big time.

The local mega-chain supermarket has bought in the trolleys you can only liberate from their clan by inserting a gold coin in their gob. The concept is simple. The coin is your deposit so you have a trolley to buy up lots of things you didn’t know you wanted, just to fill the space. Once you have finished, you clip it back into the trolley stack and your money is spat out at you.

As I said simple, except when, you have no coins and have to cue up at checkout to change your money to get one or you get a rogue bastard from hell which won’t clip back into the bay and refund your coin. This time it was the latter.

I avoid supermarkets and don’t rely on them for fresh food. As previously mentioned I belong to a cult of market worshippers. So I reluctantly toodle off to the big barns with neon lights that give me a migraine only when things like toilet paper and mineral water are running out and as much as I support local small businesses object to paying 3 times the price for. I have an organised attack planned, take a list, hit only the aisles I need and get out quick. No lingering. No getting sucked in by ‘specials’. In and out with a little prayer to the goddess of empty checkout queues for good measure.

After this horror experience I tried some positive shopping therapy to rekindle my sense of good will. Mediterranean Wholesalers is an Italian produce wonderland in downtown Brunswick. The prices are good and they stock the tinned organic tomato and bean range that the local Coles is always out of. For carnivores and snot cheese eaters the big deli at the back spills over with animal produce, there is a bakery, a café and a huge selection of Italian wines, grappa and assorted rocket fuel. I love the fact that English is a second language in this store. What’s more the lights don’t flicker and give me a headache.

The other joy of this little patch of Sydney Road is walking past Franco Cozzo which always puts a smile on my face. A massive emporium of the most over the top European furniture, it overflows with rococo wood, chrome and even plastic creations. If you are into sex in public places I recommend the cavernous room upstairs.

But I degrees from my remedial shopping therapy. Last stop was Natural Tucker. I don’t eat much wheat but when I really want bread (the pms devil once more) it’s got to taste like the real thing. In I slipped and a cheeky little seedy loaf winked at me and we slipped off together for a delightful lunch of crunchy toast and stewed organic tomatoes.

Sated, I will now dutifully avoid shopping and dream of furtive fumblings on leather couches til normal transmission resumes.


Blogger DJ said...

Aww c'mon supermarkets are a literal smorgasboard of amusement at the expense of my fellow man (or woman)
For example the supermarket I frequent is near a public housing estate. Oh the joy of trying to get around what are obviously two twenty something's on welfare with the 9 kids they had (For the $3k ea) all screming and yelling is just nirvana right there. Then there's the much publicised (Well on my blog anyway) militancy at which I insist we but as much Aussie made products as possible, then there's my open and vocal disdain for any imported fresh produce that can be grown locally, such as Oranges "Why the hell does Safwway buy Californian Organes.. IDIOTS" (At the top of my voice)

Of course then there's the checkout, and my isnt that just the pinnancle of human existence? The checkout weenies where I go, refuse to pack the green bags. Bitches (and Bastards).. Whats with that already? You'll pack polluting plastic bags for me but if I bring the green bags that you sell me for a $1ea I have to pack them my self?
Wanna fuck with the checkout people? Just watch the scanning with a hawkeye and challenge anything that scans incorrectly, you can have that item for free if it scans incorrectly. Oh they so love that. I avgerage one freebie every 3 visits.
I think they hate my guts now.

As for Franco Cozzo, I can't think of him with hearing that stupid song they made about him a few years back "Franco Cozzo drives me crazy on my television"
And is that his grand-daughter he uses on his current TV commercial? Boy she does look like... oops nevermind I'll get beat up by the PC police.

5:05 pm  

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